I have literally been trying to write this post for six months. Its so difficult because everyone has a story and I don't even know why everyone is so into how people feed babies but its such a thing isn't it.
I hate that I have to write a disclaimer but I know that breastfeeding can be quite triggering for a lot of people and I will apologise now if I offend anyone, I'm never going to be able to say the right thing for everyone on a subject so many people are so passionate about so I will just tell you my story.
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| Pin sent to me as a gift in the post by my breastfeeding idol Magda made by Milk and Moon |
I thought breastfeeding would just happen. I always knew I wanted to try and if it didn't work I just presumed I'd just formula feed and that would be it. I was so wrong on all accounts. I am still battling on with feeding, and it's still not easy everyday for us but I have to say, it is my greatest achievement so far.
I thought the baby would be born and know how to do it. In hindsight, that was stupid, of course neither of us knew what we were doing and so the first night was awful. I asked a nurse for help and she said "Well... I can't help you can I, we can only help the formula fed babies, just put her on the boob"
I'm sorry but what the fuck does that mean. Sit her on there? Prime example of the lack of support I received with breastfeeding on the labour ward in the hospital. I wasn't going to give up there, I knew I had to try harder, so with grazed, cracked and bleeding nipples I asked if I could be transferred to the nearby birthing centre for support with breastfeeding. I'm telling you now, there was no way I was going home without having some kind of established feeding on the go and I wanted that to be breast.
I spent two nights in the birthing centre with some amazing support workers. They showed me how to feed my tiny little baby hand expressed milk using a syringe to keep her blood sugar levels up and physically helped with attaching and latching her to the boob. When I went home I sort of knew what was going on but my milk hadn't come in and I was already on day 4 of her being alive... I was so so afraid it wasn't going to come in having had a traumatic labour experience and an underachieve thyroid.
On day 5, after the most horrendous night, I'd sent Dav out to buy some ready made formula (but not yet given it to her) when the midwife came round. With tear shining eyes I told her I was scared to feed the baby because it hurt me so much and I just couldn't do it. She said to me, so so kindly and gently "Give her formula then."
It was that simple sentence that set fire to my stubborn soul. A voice in my mind said 'I bloody well will NOT. I have to do this.' It became a personal mission. I was going to feed this baby and I was gonna use my boobs to do it. The next day, my milk came in and things got a bit easier but it was four or five weeks of cluster feeding, crying (her and me) and frankly, trauma, until I felt that I was maybe going to be alright. I had days where I thought 'good lord this baby is too hungry and I don't have enough milk' or others where I thought 'I can't stay awake another second to do this' neither of which were true.
I was lucky in that I had support with feeding, but I had to seek it because I so desperately wanted it to work and I wasn't going to be beaten by it. Friends who had previously breastfed, a local support group (that I still go to every week to this day!) Davyd's wonderful Auntie Laine and Davyd himself all played real key roles in the beginning and none of them ever once suggested formula as an option. Still to this day when people mention giving formula to her it makes me feel stung with inadequacy. Whenever anyone suggests my milk might not be enough my heart breaks because I know that it is enough because I am enough.
Over the last six months I have had numerous blocked milk ducts (currently averaging 2-3 a month) and one of the blockages got infected and I developed Mastitis. I can't wear dresses that aren't a V neck and I have to wear a vest under everything. Specialist nursing clothes are mumsy and nursing bras give me blocked ducts. I have been lucky enough to find a company that make the best nursing crop top esque bras. Molke. Google them. I also have found out I suffer with D-MER (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex) which has been upsetting however as soon as a name was put to how I was feeling it meant I could identify moments of panic and anxiety as a sign my milk was coming in ready to feed the baby. My let downs of milk are so on time, once I was over 50 miles away from my baby and my body let down the milk into my boobies the same time she started to cry at home. Magic.
Now, we are now weaning onto solids. I'm finding it so difficult and AB hates it, she likes broccoli and anything else she can feed herself but she hates spoons and purees and seemingly anything calorific. She cannot have any cow protein so both of us are completely dairy free. She hasn't dropped any of her breastfeeds but she has cut two teeth which this week have caused us some problems. I've been quite badly bitten and she has broken the skin and her latch has changed which means once again feeding is hurting and my nipple is raw.
Breastfeeding isn't easy. But I love it. I love that I can feed my baby with my body, not everybody can. I feel so proud and so magic and hope to continue to be able to do so for as long as she wants to. I daren't put a date on that... I will finish when the time is right. I have no qualms with feeding past six months, even past a year, that would be a wonderful gold for me. For now, I take it as it comes and keep seeking support and help. I recommend to anyone to seek and you shall find, even if it is online, there is support there. It may be minimal but if you want feeding to work for you, chances are it can. There will always be someone to help you and to champion your feeding journey. I want my baby to have what is normal for her species and always promote breastfeeding wherever I can. There are some AMAZING mammas setting up wonderful businesses with all sorts of thats and treasures for breastfeeding mums and keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming post about some of my favourites.
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